Hold on to Love Read online

  She shook her head, shaking away the thoughts, and put the glass upside-down by the sink. She’d better run back to bed before Sean and Alyssa found her in the kitchen and realized they’d been caught. She’d deal with this in the morning with a clear mind.

  Chapter 32

  Sean had gotten out of bed earlier than usual. He’d slept for barely three hours, but he wanted to finish the top-priority duties early so he would be free to spend a little time with Alyssa before she had to leave.

  He couldn’t believe she’d be gone today; even after talking long into the night they hadn’t come up with a solution on how to keep seeing each other, but he knew he would find a way somehow. He didn’t want it to be a summer fling; nobody had ever made him feel like she had.

  When Alyssa was around, his heart felt light and he felt like a silly teenager during his first love. It was close to unbelievable to think that he’d been able to live twenty-nine years of his life without her, and now in only three weeks she’d not only carved her imprint into his heart but had made it impossible for him to even consider living without her.

  He filled the last of the feeding troughs in the stables, then moved out and into the cows’ shed. He smiled like an idiot remembering the first time he’d taught Alyssa how to milk a cow; he could still hear the squeals of delight she’d let out, as if she’d just done something incredible. He’d wanted to kiss her right then and there.

  Things had changed so quickly after that day, and here he was now, racking his brains for a way to be with her and turn these three weeks together into something serious, something everlasting.

  The hinges on the shed door creaked, jolting him out of his thoughts. He looked over his shoulder, hoping to see Alyssa sneaking out to steal one last kiss before she had to leave, but his face fell when Tammy walked in with drooped shoulders and her lips curved downward in a grimace of pain.

  “What’s up, Tammy?” he asked, trying to hide his disappointment. He could finish this really quickly and sneak into Alyssa’s room before she checked out.

  Tammy shrugged, her hands in the pockets of her skinny jeans, and kicked at an imaginary pebble on the floor.

  “Alyssa’s gone.” Her voice was barely more than a whisper. Sean’s heart plummeted to his feet. “I know it’s silly, but I’m really going to miss her. She was like… like the sister I’ve always wanted.”

  “What do you mean she’s gone? She left without even saying goodbye?” His tone was a mixture of hurt, disbelief and sadness. “I mean… that was kinda rude of her.” He added when he realized that his reaction might give him away. Tammy knowing his feelings for Alyssa was the last thing he wanted right now.

  “She said she was running late, and Aaron was already here to pick her up, so she didn’t want to keep him waiting. She asked me to say goodbye to you, and to thank you for everything.”

  Something burst open inside his chest, and he was pretty sure it was his heart that had shattered into a million microscopic pieces. So much for saying she loved him; she’d left without even saying goodbye, and had given him a stupid, formal message via his sister.

  He couldn’t believe she’d left like that.

  Tammy took a step closer, pulled a three-legged stool next to Sean, and plopped down on it.

  “She left me her Prada bag, said I could have it just because I loved it so much. I mean, who would give away such an amazing bag to a girl she barely knows? She’s a wonderful person, and I’m really going to miss her.” She let out a long sigh, and turned to look at Sean. “She gave me her phone number and email address so we can keep in touch. She said whenever I want to go visit her, she’d be happy to let me stay at her place. Wouldn’t it be great if I could go to New York?”

  Sean shrugged and went back to milking the cow, anger mixed with sadness twisting his insides.

  He didn’t want to talk about Alyssa now.

  He actually didn’t want to talk about anything; he just wanted to be left alone with his broken heart and shattered dreams. He’d been a fool to think, once again, that a girl like that could really love someone like him, a cowboy who’d never be able to offer her more than a life on a ranch.

  “Say, maybe we could go together during the Christmas holidays. We could spend New Year’s Eve in Times Square and watch the ball drop. Mom and Dad would never let me go by myself but if you went with me…”

  “Tammy, leave me alone, okay? I’ve got tons of things to do today; just go find yourself something to do,” Sean said in a bitter tone. He knew his sister had nothing to do with his love troubles, but he wanted to lick his wounds in peace. With Tammy around, he knew it would be an impossible task.

  Tammy didn’t say anything, which was slightly unlike her, but he didn’t question it. He felt awful for being so mean to his little sister, but her bubbly attitude was the last thing he needed right now.

  She stood up and moved the stool back to the spot where she’d found it. The door opened and he waited for it to slam shut, but it didn’t.

  “Sean?” she asked, her tone tentative. He felt a knot of guilt twist his stomach.

  “Yeah?”

  “I… um… nothing,” she said and walked out. When the door finally closed Sean stood up, emptied the bucket into the steel milk container, and went back into the stables. He needed to get away for a while, and he knew exactly where he would go. He pinned a note on the door of the barn, knowing his father would see it later, saddled Alyssa’s favorite horse and in record time he reached the log cabin.

  He slumped down on the couch, buried his face into his tracksuit top and inhaled the delicious scent of her that still clung to the fabric. It reminded him of berries, of summer rain, of green fields, and as the memory of her peach-soft skin invaded his mind, tears stung the back of his eyes.

  He couldn’t cry over a woman.

  Ever since Alyssa had pushed her way into his heart it seemed like he had no more control over his mind and body, though. And now she was gone, two thousand miles away.

  He curled up in a ball on the couch and just wished he would die.

  He spent the rest of the day in a foul mood, avoiding his father and keeping himself busy with whatever work required no great concentration. He couldn’t believe she’d left him like that; he couldn’t wrap his mind around it. Only the night before she’d said she loved him and had proven it with her kisses and her whole body language.

  What had changed during the night?

  When his working day was finally over and he walked back to his room, he noticed something on the floor out of the corner of his eye. He bent to pick it up and saw his name on the white paper.

  He opened the folded sheet and let himself slide to the floor, resting his head against the wall. Was he ready for this? After a whole day of torturing himself, wondering why she’d left without a single explanation, would he have enough strength to take the blow?

  He folded the letter and threw it on the bed, went to his wardrobe and picked up clean clothes, all the time his heart pounding fast in his chest. When he turned back, the white sheet of paper was beckoning him, calling him like an intoxicating siren’s song, but he shook his head.

  Not yet.

  He walked down the corridor to the bathroom as if the hounds of hell were on his heels, and while he was getting pruned under the hot spray, he kept repeating in his mind that she hadn’t dumped him with a letter, that there was no way she would ever do something like this.

  As much as he wished, though, his positive thinking wouldn’t change the contents of that letter and he decided to leave it till after dinner. If it was bad news, there was no way he’d be able to keep his cool in front of his family, and he wasn’t going to break down in front of them again, not after the whole Bethany incident. He’d never let them see him get so upset about another girl again.

  Dinner dragged by and Sean tried to act as if there wasn’t a woodpecker hammering in his head, reminding him Alyssa’s letter was waiting for him in his room. Once Tammy was done and
finally stood up, Sean knew it was safe to leave without anyone thinking he was acting funny.

  He dragged his sorry ass back to his room, opened the door slowly, almost as if he was afraid the letter would ambush him, jump at his neck and strangle him. When he saw it was still in the same spot where he’d dropped it, he closed the door and plopped down on his bed, staring at the ceiling for a few seconds while he decided whether he should or should not read it.

  Then, in an outburst of rage, he snatched the letter off the duvet cover and opened it.

  Suck it up, Sean, he prompted himself, squeezing his eyes shut. When he reopened them, the neat writing on the pages threatened to take his breath away.

  Dear Sean,

  I know by the time you’ll be reading this you’ll be mad at me. I know I promised I wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye, but technically I’m not breaking my promise. I am saying goodbye, just not exactly in the way you wanted me to.

  Sean groaned, thinking that falling in love with a lawyer was going to trouble his mind. He went back to the letter and smiled when he read the next line—she already knew him better than he had thought.

  Okay, stop groaning now—yes, I know you are.

  I’m sorry I sneaked out of your life like that but the thing is, if I’d come to say goodbye and had looked one more time in your eyes, I would have never been able to bring myself to leave you. If you haven’t figured out yet how much you mean to me, I hope this can give you a clue.

  I came to Wind Creek to run away from a stalker and from a life I didn’t like, and I thought that putting my life on hold for three weeks would help me get sorted. The last thing I expected was to find my real self in a ranch in the middle of nowhere, and end up leaving my heart in the hands of a gruff cowboy who’d turned my life upside-down and made me feel more alive than I had in twenty-six years.

  He smiled again, thinking how he loved it when she called him a cowboy, and teased him for always being gruff to her. Deep down he wasn’t gruff—he’d always considered himself a kind, polite person and had always been pleasant toward their guests—but acting like a gruff cowboy had always been part of the game he played with her. It drove her crazy and made him laugh, so he had never totally stopped playing his part.

  He scratched his chin, lost in thought, and feeling uneasy, empty, and lonely. Heartbroken—that was the right word. He missed her so badly and she had only been gone a few hours. How would he ever cope without her?

  He shook away the thought and went back to the letter.

  We both knew from the start it wouldn’t be easy. We both tried to resist the feeling, but we didn’t manage, did we? Like you said, though, we need time to think this through, to find a way to overcome the distance and the obstacles, and maybe in the end we’ll find out life isn’t a fairy tale and there can’t always be a happy ending.

  But until then, I’m willing to try, if you are too. I want this to work, Sean, I want it with all my heart—please don’t give up on us now, not just yet.

  He put the letter down for a moment, a pain shooting across his chest. Not a physical pain, not like he guessed a heart attack would feel. It was worse, much worse. It was as if somebody had made a voodoo doll of him and was piercing it with thousands of needles, right where his heart was.

  He didn’t want to give up, although he doubted they would ever find a way to make it work with so many miles between them and their worlds being so different. Nevertheless, for once in his life he wanted to hope—she had made him want to with all the things she had said last night and he wanted to believe that, no matter the differences, they could overcome all the obstacles and be happy together. It was a dream maybe, and he was too old to believe in dreams, but Alyssa was worth the effort, and he wasn’t going to disappoint her.

  You’ll find my e-mail address and my cell phone number at the foot of the letter. Be sure to send me your address and check your mail more often than you have done recently.

  I’ll be stalking you, Cowboy, so brace yourself!

  I love you, Sean. Don’t you ever doubt that.

  Alyssa

  He folded the piece of paper and brought it to his face. He could swear it smelled of her sweet perfume. He inhaled deeply, feeling like a drug addict in need of a fix, only his fix was her; it was her perfume, the sound of her laughter, the sparkle in her eyes, the silkiness of her skin.

  She hadn’t dumped him; that was good. Although he didn’t believe in fairy tales, he wanted to believe that maybe, in some sort of miracle, things would actually work between them. She’d written that she wanted to try; what did he have to lose now, anyway?

  There was no way he was going to be able to get over her, not unless he was 100 percent sure there was no way they could be a couple. Until then, he’d rack his brains and play every possible scenario in his mind until he found the perfect plan, the ultimate scheme that would give them their happily ever after.

  Chapter 33

  The flight seemed longer than it had been only three weeks ago. At least traveling first-class had its perks, when you didn’t have to be seated next to crying kids or chatty old women. She was sure she wouldn’t have been able to tolerate any of that in the mood she was in.

  The plane wasn’t full, so the seat next to her was empty and she was grateful for that. Right now all she wanted was to close her eyes and never wake up again.

  Leaving Sean without saying goodbye had been the toughest thing she’d ever had to do, but she’d thought it would be for the best. After last night, if she’d seen him this morning she would’ve never been able to leave.

  She hoped Tammy would give him her message, and that he wouldn’t be mad at her. Once he went back to his room, he’d find her letter and hopefully he’d forgive her.

  Saying goodbye to Tammy had been tough, too. Alyssa had known all along leaving Sean would break her heart, but she hadn’t accounted for the pang of sadness that had hit her straight in the gut when she was standing on the porch next to Tammy while Aaron was loading her suitcase into the trunk. When Alyssa had given her the Prada bag that had caused the major upheaval that first day, Tammy’s eyes had gone wide and quickly filled with tears. Alyssa knew nobody would appreciate that bag half as much as Tammy. Sean would probably roll his eyes once he found out, but she didn’t care. Alyssa had come to love Tammy as if she were her sister, and seeing her happy had wiped away a little of the pain that had captured her heart in a vice-like grip since she’d woken up in the morning.

  If eventually things between her and Sean ended with broken hearts, Alyssa knew she’d want to keep in touch with Tammy anyway.

  During the stopover in Atlanta she pulled out her vampire book. She hadn’t had time to read since the day Sean had turned into a much nicer person to be around, and she’d spent her time following him around. She smiled, thinking how awful the first days had seemed when he was all grumpy and moody, and she’d been afraid to be anywhere near him. She couldn’t bear to be away from him now; thinking tomorrow morning she’d wake up in her bed, in her decadent Manhattan apartment and everything would feel like a nice dream fading away in the sunlight, crushed her heart.

  It was half past ten by the time she stepped through the door of her dark apartment. She’d always been happy to live on her own, away from her mother and from her expectations, in a place where she could be who she wanted. When she’d come home from college and found out she’d inherited her grandmother’s apartment in Manhattan, she’d been happy to finally have a place she could decorate the way she wanted and call her own. As she switched the lights on and scanned her stylish and beautifully-furnished apartment though, she realized it didn’t feel homey, not like the Maclaines’. Everything was in place, the room was tidy and neat, just the way she’d always liked it. It was one of those houses that would make the perfect feature in an architectural magazine but now that she was staring at the bare room with new eyes, it just looked like an empty shell.

  What had once been her sanctuary, the place where she�
��d seek refuge when her life got too much to bear, now felt like an empty, shallow cage. She let out a sigh, dropped her suitcase and, with her back against the door, she slid down to the floor, letting the tears she’d kept fighting back since the morning flow freely.

  Forty minutes later, freshly showered and ready to crash, she walked into her bedroom and finally switched her phone on; no reason to delay the inevitable. Just like she expected, she found lots of text and voicemail messages, mostly from her mother and Julian. There were a couple of messages from her father, which were the only ones she listened to. His serious and professional tone sounded worried while he asked her to call him and let him know she was okay.

  She felt guilty and immediately dialed his number. She was surprised he hadn’t organized a search party to bring her home.

  “Alyssa? Where on earth have you been? We’ve been out of our minds with fear when you didn’t return any of our calls.”

  Alyssa plopped onto her bed, still in her robe, and counted to ten before she replied. She needed to be calm and in control. She couldn’t let anything slip, and she definitely didn’t feel like having an argument with her father or, Heaven forbid, with her mother right now.

  “I told Mom there’d be no reception where I was; I called the night I arrived to let her know my phone would be switched off at all times. I’m sorry you were worried.” No she wasn’t, but she needed to get this conversation over with as soon as possible. “Anyway, I’m home now. I’ll probably see you tomorrow. If you have time for a quick lunch together, we could meet downtown and grab a bite?”

  “Why don’t you come over for dinner, instead? We could order something from that Italian restaurant you love and have a meal together. I’m sure your mother would like to hear about your vacation, too.”