Hold on to Love Read online

  “What’s going on here?”

  Derek shrugged. “Lissy fell for a countryman and that’s why she’s leaving New York.”

  Alyssa glared at her brother, but he gave her a smirk in return. She felt as if she’d been taken back to their childhood when he’d go blabbing to their mother and then smirk when Alyssa got reprimanded.

  “Derek, leave us alone, please.”

  Their mother’s tone was cool and controlled, as if she were in court. This was not good; Alyssa knew that tone all too well—she’d heard it many a time before and it didn’t bode well.

  Derek looked at his mother, then turned to Alyssa, gave her a sympathetic smile and left without arguing. Alyssa was sure he was standing just outside the room, listening to the conversation and enjoying every minute.

  “Is this true?” Her mother stared at her and got straight to the point. Alyssa looked away, fumbling with a loose thread on her sweater.

  “Alyssa.”

  Her tone was commanding. Shivers ran down Alyssa’s spine and she swallowed the rock in her throat; she was doing this for Sean. She’d be holding on to their love for support.

  “So what?” Alyssa shrugged, as if it wasn’t such a big deal. At the end of the day, it wasn’t—at least not for her. Why couldn’t they just be happy for her and let her be?

  Her mother took a step forward, and Alyssa cringed.

  “Don’t you dare take that tone with me. Answer my question. Now.”

  Alyssa felt as if she was standing in the dock in court; all her mother was missing was her gavel in her hand and she’d be perfect.

  “Mom, I’m not a little girl anymore. Although it may sound unbelievable to your ears, I make my own decisions, and if you don’t agree, then it’s your problem. I quit my job, and I’m leaving New York. Yes, it is because of a man, a wonderful man I love more than anything else.” She’d said it all in one breath, afraid that if she stopped for air her mother would cut in. She took in her mother’s expressions as the words registered: her face had gone from pale to a bright shade of red; deep lines creased her brow and her lips were set in a thin line while she tried to rein in her emotions. Judge Jane O’Riordan couldn’t let her emotions show, not even outside court.

  “You’re throwing your life away for a man?” her mother asked in disbelief, her voice cold as ice. “Don’t ask me not to consider you a little girl, because right now you’re acting like a hormonal teenager, Alyssa. You need someone like Julian in your life: a successful, well-mannered, smart man who’ll take care of you and give you a perfect future. Not some kind of cowboy who’d never be able to offer you a proper life.”

  “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe what you consider ‘a proper life’ is not the life I want?”

  Her mother recoiled as if Alyssa had just slapped her. Alyssa took advantage of her silence to get that giant rock off her chest, while she was still on a roll.

  “I hate Julian. You forced me to go out with him because you like him, but it was the most awful night of my life. I don’t need a man who’ll give me a proper life and show me off at parties. I need a man who’ll love me for who I am, and I’ve found just that guy. He makes me so happy and I love him so much. I never thought it possible to love someone so deeply. Why can’t you be happy for me, for once in my life? Why can’t you just let me be myself, live the life I want to live?”

  “This is where you belong, Alyssa. This is your world, your life. What are you going to do with a countryman in a godforsaken town?”

  “I’m going to be happy, Mom. Carefree, in love, and happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, and I know I’ll never have it if I stay here, if I keep being the person you want me to be.” She shook her head and took a step toward her mother. She wished her mother would just hug her now and tell her she was sorry for not understanding the way she was feeling.

  “I’m not you, Mom. This is my life and I want to be me.”

  “I’m sorry, but I can’t back you up with this silly idea of yours,” her mother said, putting more physical distance between them in addition to the emotional space that had always been there. “You have a career, a family, not to mention a handsome man here; if you want to turn your back on all this, then you’ll have to do it without our help. I won’t be the one funding the destruction of my daughter’s life.”

  Alyssa’s heart turned into an icicle. Although she’d come to learn how much appearances and wealth meant to her mother, she’d thought that once she’d opened her heart and confessed the way she was feeling, her mother would accept it, even if she couldn’t understand it. She wished she could close her eyes and wake up in Sean’s arms, his strong hands stroking her hair gently and his deep voice whispering soothing words in her ear.

  Tears welled in her eyes, and she was too tired to fight them back now. Her mother wouldn’t understand her emotions, but at this point she didn’t care. She needed to leave.

  “I won’t need your money, and I won’t need your approval, either. I’ve made up my mind and, don’t worry, I’ll accept the consequences of my actions.”

  Her mother opened her mouth but stopped when William O’Riordan walked in, his six-foot frame less intimidating in a casual sweater and a pair of dress pants, instead of the dark suits he always wore at work.

  “Jane, Alyssa, what’s going on in here? I thought I heard you screaming?”

  Alyssa spun on her heels and stomped away from her mother. She’d known all along her revelation wouldn’t make her mother happy, but deep down, the little girl inside her had hoped she’d show at least a little motherly support once she’d come to learn that her daughter was in love.

  “William, I think it’s time you talked to your daughter. She’s about to make the most stupid mistake of her life and I’m not going to stand here and let her ruin everything we’ve worked so hard for.”

  “Alyssa? What’s your mother talking about?” His tone was the low, controlled and very professional Chief-of-Police tone he used on TV during press conferences and public announcements.

  Great. Not only was she being court-martialed by Judge O’Riordan, now she’d undergo an interrogation from the chief of the NYPD nonetheless. Couldn’t this day just end already?

  “I’m not going to ruin my life, mother,” Alyssa said, saying that last word through gritted teeth. “You and your stupid ideas about everyone in your family having to follow in your footsteps have ruined my life. You knew all along I never wanted to be a lawyer, yet you forced me to become one. Yes, my life was already ruined before I made the decision to do what I wanted to do, even though I knew it wouldn’t please you.”

  Her hands shook and she hid them underneath her armpits, squeezing tight with the hope that her parents wouldn’t notice. Tears filled her eyes and she blinked a couple of times to fight them back; she wasn’t going to cry like a girl in front of her mother and father and prove their point that she was just a child.

  “You have a good job and a successful career ahead of you, and all thanks to me. You could still be looking for a job, with the recession and everything we’ve been going through. And now you’re throwing it all away. For a man. A countryman, on top of it all.”

  Her mother scrunched up her nose as if she were speaking of rotten food; maybe what hurt the most was the fact that Alyssa had turned Julian down and had fallen for someone outside her mother’s social circle.

  “A man? What are you talking about, Jane?” Her father frowned and looked at his wife for an explanation.

  “Ask your daughter. I’m done with her childish and reckless behavior.”

  With that, she turned around and left the room without looking back. Alyssa felt like screaming but she bit the inside of her cheek instead.

  “Alyssa.” Her father took a step closer to her and rested a hand on her shoulder.

  The weight felt almost unbearable. Even though he’d barely touched her, she was so spent she felt like she could collapse. It had been a while since she’d had a serious conversation with h
er father and, with all the emotions rushing wildly through her mind, she wasn’t sure she was ready for one right now.

  “I’m sorry she thinks I’m being childish, but it looks like she’s the one who doesn’t want to understand. I’ve never felt more mature. All my life I’ve been the good girl, always doing what you wanted me to, always being the person you wanted me to be. Dad, I just want to be me, now.” A tear rolled down her cheek and she wiped it away with the back of her hand. “I went away on that improvised trip because I’d found myself contemplating jumping off the thirty-fourth floor of a building while I was visiting a client.”

  The grip on her shoulder turned into a softer, soothing squeeze, but her father didn’t say a word so she went on. Since he seemed to be in the mood for listening to her soul-baring monologue, she might as well tell him the whole story.

  “Mom had forced me to go out with Julian, and he… he sort of started stalking me after that awful date. I couldn’t see a way out, so after that scary thought crossed my mind I decided I needed some time off, just to find myself again and get over those terrible feelings. I didn’t expect that vacation to change my life, but it did.”

  “But why did your mother say there was a man involved? Was she referring to Julian?”

  Alyssa shook her head. “No. Julian’s one of the reasons why I went away back then, but the reason why I’m leaving everything right now is because I fell in love with someone, and I want to be with him.” She looked up at her father through tear-filled eyes, and she smiled. “He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met, Dad, and I love him so much. He makes me feel special and loved; he loves the person I am and would never ask me to be who I’m not. While I was there, I helped him bring a calf into the world and it was the most wonderful experience of my life. I felt like that was exactly what I was meant to do. I’ve always wanted to be a vet, Dad. I never wanted to study law—that was Mom’s dream, not mine.”

  “Alyssa, dreams don’t always come true, you know; your mother and I were only trying to give you a future. With her being in the business and me being influential in this city, we knew we’d be able to help you find a good job, help you have a good life, and buy nice things without worrying about money.”

  Alyssa shook her head. “But I don’t need all this; can’t you understand? I don’t care about expensive clothes or going to fancy parties. I just want to do something I love. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life helping wealthy people get away with crimes just because they can afford the best legal office in town.”

  “You’ll also help innocent people, though. It’s not always going to be that bad. Being an attorney is a great job.”

  Alyssa took a step back and let out an exasperated sigh. Why could nobody at least try to understand how she was feeling?

  “Dad, did you hear what I said? I was so unhappy with my life before I went to Wyoming that I’d contemplated killing myself. Doesn’t that mean anything to you at all? Is money more important than your own daughter?”

  Her father flinched and his eyes widened in horror. “Is that what you think, Alyssa? Do you really think that our jobs or our money are more important than our children?”

  Alyssa shrugged. “It sure looks so to me.”

  He closed the distance between them and took her in his arms. The feeling of being held in her father’s strong embrace brought her back to her childhood, to the last time he’d held her like that.

  Tears flooded her eyes and spilled over. Soon she was sobbing like a child against her father’s soft cashmere sweater, totally careless of smearing her makeup. He patted her back soothingly and waited until she stopped sobbing before saying a word.

  “We just want what’s best for you, sweetheart.” His voice was low, soft and comforting, and Alyssa relaxed in his arms. “You’re our precious daughter, and we know how easy it is to love someone and end up with a broken heart. Everything looks beautiful when you first fall for someone, but life is tough and even though it hurts, sometimes you have to be realistic and put your dreams aside.”

  Alyssa pulled back and wiped her eyes, sure she probably looked like a panda. She stared at her father, his eyes soft and his smile gentle, but his loving expression didn’t help her feel better, nor did it make his words less hurtful.

  “I don’t want to put my dreams aside; I want to be a vet and I know I can do it. Grandma used to tell me to follow my dreams, if I knew they were true. She was the one who told me to hold on to love once I’d found it, to never let it go. I love Sean, and he loves me—I won’t let go of what could be my only chance at being happy.” She sniffled and brushed her cheeks with the palms of her hands. “I know it all happened so quickly, but maybe it’s how it was meant to be. Maybe I’ve had enough of indecision and I don’t need any more time to think about my future. Since Sean came into my life I’ve been happy, truly happy, Dad; happier than I’ve been in years.”

  “Alyssa, my mother was a dreamer; she wasn’t really the best advisor on such important things. She met my father and got married within a year. I know it was different back then, but I still think it was too rushed—and all because she believed in fairy tale romances.”

  “But she’s been happy with Grandpa; she kept telling me he was the love of her life,” Alyssa argued, trying to prove her point. Maybe it didn’t happen to everyone, but some people did find their soul mates.

  “Please, try to see things through our eyes, Alyssa. You barely know this guy and we don’t even know him at all. How can you be so sure he won’t break your heart?”

  “I can’t,” she said, hanging her head and staring at her feet. “But I can’t be sure I won’t get run over by a car, or die in a plane crash or have a heart attack in my sleep, either—this doesn’t stop me from living, though, does it?”

  She looked up at her father with defiance in her eyes, and his lips curled slightly. He was trying to remain serious, but he clearly understood he was just about to be defeated. They hadn’t sent her to the best law school for nothing, after all; if this was a trial, she was sure she was about to win it.

  “What will you do if things between the two of you don’t work out?” he asked, relenting a little.

  “He’s not the only reason why I want to move to Wyoming. If things didn’t work, then I’d concentrate on my studies and put my life first. I don’t want to build my hopes up and then get disappointed; I’ll take each day at a time—no plans, no expectations. I just want to be free to be who I am, not the person you and Mom expect me to be.”

  “This might turn out to be the worst decision of your life, you know that?”

  Alyssa nodded. “Then I’d only have myself to blame for it, but at least I would know I’d tried. I don’t want to live a life of regrets just so that Mom can go brag about me with her friends.”

  Her father let out a tired sigh. Alyssa knew it must be a trick of her mind, but he looked older, as if he’d aged during their exhausting conversation. For the first time in her life she wondered whether he’d ever truly loved her mother the way she loved Sean, the way her grandmother—his own mother—had loved her husband. She’d never seen the sparkle in her parents’ eyes when they looked at each other; she’d never felt the love radiate from them when they were in the same room; she’d never even seen them hold hands or cuddle on the couch, watching a movie. She knew, if she’d agreed to keep seeing Julian, her life could have been exactly like theirs. The thought made her shudder.

  “When are you thinking of leaving?” he asked, his tone back to the efficient and self-assured Chief of Police.

  “I wanted to go speak with the college dean in Cheyenne, see if I can start classes after the holidays so I won’t waste a whole year. I guess I could try to catch up.” She made a mental note to call the college after the Thanksgiving weekend and try to move things a little quicker. She couldn’t wait to start her new life—the sooner, the better.

  “I could make a few phone calls and try to pull some strings in the local police department, see i
f they can help you find a place to stay and maybe a job.”

  Alyssa cocked her head to the side and raised an eyebrow. “You don’t trust I can do this on my own, do you?” She smiled when her father grinned, caught red-handed. “I’ll be fine, Dad. Sean and his family will take care of me. They have a ranch, so I could stay with them until I find somewhere to rent. I have Grandma’s inheritance money; I’ll be okay for a while.”

  “I suppose nothing I’ll say will make a difference now?” Alyssa shook her head, smiling. Her father wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her into his chest. “You definitely took the Irish stubbornness from your grandmother. I’d long given up hoping trying to win against her, and now I guess I’ll have to give up again.”

  Alyssa laughed and hugged her father. “Thank you, Dad. I promise you’ll be proud of me this time.”

  “I’ve always been proud of you, sweetheart,” he said before kissing the top of her head and leading her out of the room back to where everybody was waiting for them. Alyssa felt as if a huge load had been removed from her stomach and she breathed a sigh of relief. Hopefully things would start to look up now that at least her father had accepted her decision.

  Chapter 46

  Christmas Eve

  Sean gave one last glance around the stable to make sure he hadn’t forgotten anything. Although he’d only worked half his usual hours, it had been a long day and he was wrecked.

  He hadn’t stopped thinking of Alyssa ever since he’d woken up. He kept having visions of her at some posh high-society party with people wearing tuxedos and gowns, sipping champagne from crystal goblets and eating caviar. No matter how hard he tried, he would never in a million years be able to give her that kind of life. He promised her he’d find a way for them to be together, but now that the deadline of their deal was getting closer he was starting to lose all hope.