Hold on to Love Read online

  Alyssa let herself into her parents’ apartment overlooking Central Park and braced herself both physically and psychologically for the day. Derek would be home from college, too. She hadn’t seen him since summer break, but it wasn’t as if she’d missed him. She envied Tammy’s relationship with Sean; that was how a real sibling relationship should be, but her mother had shaped Derek like a clay puppet, and it was no wonder he was the rational, sensible man he was, who never bothered calling his sister.

  She locked the door and when she spun back, her brother was standing a few feet away from her, his hands in the pockets of his tailored dress pants, looking gorgeous with his perfectly-styled russet hair and that cheeky grin that always made girls swoon. She had to hand it to him; he knew how to look good, and he took great care in it.

  Even so, she couldn’t help comparing him to Sean’s natural, rugged beauty. She was sure Sean never spent longer than ten minutes getting dressed, but he still looked handsome. She couldn’t imagine her brother wearing a pair of worn jeans—unless they were specifically made by a big name in the fashion industry—let alone a plaid shirt.

  “Hey, Lissy,” he greeted her, taking a couple of steps closer, his hands still in his pockets. He gave her a peck on the cheek, and a whiff of his expensive Armani cologne hit her nostrils.

  She wondered if he had a date planned for after lunch or if he’d gone to all the trouble of getting dressed up for a family gathering.

  “You look gorgeous, as usual. I’m sure most of the attorneys you work with find it hard to concentrate when you’re around.” Alyssa let out a chuckle; she didn’t remember her brother being such a charmer. “So, what are you up to? It’s been ages since we talked; any signs of promotions at work? You’ve been there over a year now, right?”

  Alyssa nodded and thought now was as good a time as any to tell him about her decisions. She hadn’t spoken to her mother yet, but she was sure the news had leaked and someone had informed her already. She was ready to get her share of reproachful looks and reprimanding comments during lunch. Hopefully Derek would understand and be on her side when their mother started the trial against her daughter.

  “Actually, I’ve just quit my job and I’m leaving New York.”

  Derek paled. “You what? Are you crazy?”

  Alyssa sighed and walked into the living room, stopping by the window. She stared out the window at the barren trees in Central Park and wondered if the woods around Sean’s house were already covered in snow.

  Derek stomped into the room and reached her. He grabbed her forearm and spun her around.

  “Why would you leave a job in the most prestigious legal office in the city?”

  Alyssa had always known her parents wouldn’t support her, but she had hoped that at least her brother would try to understand, to put himself in her shoes.

  His tone annoyed her and she wished she hadn’t said anything to him, at least not till after lunch. All she wanted to do right now was walk out the door and slam it behind her.

  “I’m not happy there, that’s not what I want. I never wanted to be an attorney.”

  “What’s so wrong about it? I’m sure you get paid the big bucks and it’s what you studied for, at the end of the day.”

  “But it’s not what I want!” she screamed, exasperated at her brother’s thickness. “Are you listening to me, Derek? I don’t care how much money they pay me: I don’t want to be an attorney. I never liked law and I’m not happy with my life right now.”

  Derek shrugged, leaning against the windowsill.

  “Well, I guess it’s a bit late to change your mind now. I mean, if you don’t like law and don’t want to work in a legal office, what else would you be doing? It’s not as if you have any other qualifications.”

  Alyssa bit on her bottom lip and turned back toward the window, cursing inwardly. He was her brother but he could really be a stranger sometimes; she was sure that by now even Sean knew her better than Derek did.

  “I’m moving out of the state. I’ll go back to college and start a new life away from here, from Mom and all of her ideas about who I should be and whom I should date.”

  “Lissy, you’re scaring me now. Are you high on something?”

  Alyssa stifled a scream. He was exactly the kind of son her mother wanted, always following her mother’s orders and getting excited for what made her excited. Alyssa had never felt more distant from him than she did now.

  Derek put a hand on her shoulder, gently spinning her around so that she would face him. When he met her eyes that were sparkling with tears she was trying to fight back, he flinched.

  “What’s happening to you, Lissy? All this talking about quitting your job and going away from Mom is so unlike you. I feel like I don’t know you anymore.”

  “You’ve never really known me anyway, Derek.” Her shoulders drooped and she felt exhausted and sad at the same time, as if that conversation had taken away all of her energy.

  “What are you talking about? You’re my sister, of course I know you.”

  He put an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close to his chest in an unusual hug. He had never been the effusive kind and they had never really had a close brother-sister relationship, at least not after their childhood, so being in his arms felt totally awkward and made her long for Sean even more. He was the only one she wanted to be in the arms of right now, but she knew that pulling away from her brother would be offensive and rude, so she let him hold her.

  “I wanted to be a vet. Did you know that?”

  “Well, I knew you liked rescuing animals when you were little, but I thought it was only a childhood thing.”

  Alyssa shook her head and sighed. “It was my dream, but unfortunately Mom had other plans for me—well, for us as a matter of fact. We were never given much choice, were we?”

  Derek shrugged. “I like studying law; it’s what I wanted.”

  “That’s because Mom forced us into it. Only, I had Grandma to support me and my dream, so I was harder to convince.”

  “Mom didn’t force me into anything.” He abruptly let go of her and took a step back. “And she didn’t force you, either. She told us what was best for us, just like any mother does.”

  “No, she took away our freewill, Derek, and that’s even worse. You might be happy about your life, but I’m not. I feel like a fish out of water here; I always have.”

  “And what are you gonna do now? Where are you going to start this new life of yours?”

  His cheeky tone set her off and she lost her self-control. Who was he to talk to her like that, after all? Since he’d gone off to college, he’d hardly ever been in touch. He didn’t know what she’d gone through and how she was feeling.

  “Why does it matter? You never cared if I was dead or alive, what’s different now?”

  “Lissy, come on, stop acting like a child. It’s not that I don’t care about you—I’ve been busy. You should know what it’s like.”

  “Stop calling me Lissy! For once in your life could you just use my name?” She was seething now, and the nerves took her breath away as if she’d just run a mile.

  “I don’t understand what’s wrong with you, honestly. You’ve turned into someone else, some crazy woman I don’t know.”

  “Maybe this is the real me, Derek. Maybe the person you knew was just Mom’s puppet, but now this puppet has a will of her own.”

  “You really make no sense, Lis… Alyssa.”

  “Neither do you, nor Mom, for that matter.”

  She turned her back to him and walked away, needing to leave the room that was starting to close in on her.

  “Where are you going, then? Are you gonna tell me?” he called, walking after her. He took her wrist, and she tried to break free but he didn’t let go.

  “Wyoming,” she said, without turning around. The grip on her arm tightened.

  “Are you serious? Lissy, why on earth are you going to Wyoming? There’s nothing but cows and fields there.”


  “Maybe that’s what I want: nothing but cows and fields. Maybe I’m tired of traffic and skyscrapers.” She yanked her hand away and Derek let go. He took a step around her and faced her, his eyes wide and his brow furrowed.

  “You could go to any college on the east coast. Why move to a godforsaken place like Wyoming? You’re really losing your mind, and you’re freaking me out now.”

  “Well, suit yourself. I honestly don’t need your opinion or your approval, or anyone else’s. I’m moving to Wyoming. I’m gonna live there and go to college and be the person I want to be.”

  “Does Mom know this?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

  “She probably knows I quit my job by now, but she doesn’t know where I’m going. I haven’t spoken to her about it yet but it’ll probably come up today, once she starts her interrogation about why I made a scene in court and quit my job.”

  Derek inhaled deeply. “Mom’s not gonna be happy about this and I know I’ll end up being caught in the middle of a war between the two of you. Fantastic.”

  “Well, thanks for your support, Derek. You’re a really loving brother,” Alyssa said through gritted teeth, and crossed her arms over her chest.

  “What do you want me to say? I know what Mom’s like.”

  She hung her head and let out a sigh. “I was really hoping you would understand.”

  “Well, I’m sorry if I can’t understand why someone so talented like you would leave a great job and good money to move to the middle of nowhere, just to pursue some childhood fantasies.”

  “Ugh, would you just go to hell, Derek?”

  “Alyssa!” Her mother’s voice boomed from outside the room, and Alyssa gave a start, wishing she hadn’t started talking about it in the first place. “Don’t talk to your brother like that!”

  Alyssa rolled her eyes, feeling like a ten-year-old all over again.

  “He deserved it,” she replied, and her mother looked at Derek for an explanation.

  “It’s nothing, Mom. It’s just a sibling thing.”

  “Well, even so, I don’t want to hear those words coming out of her mouth.”

  If her mother could read her thoughts right now, she would be even less pleased with her daughter. Alyssa started counting to ten in her mind before she could let any of those words slip out by mistake.

  “What’s this all about, anyway? Nobody should be fighting on Thanksgiving. I hope there’s a good reason behind it all.”

  “We can’t talk about it right now, Mom. Derek doesn’t want me to spoil our Thanksgiving lunch.”

  Her mother looked from Derek to Alyssa with narrowed eyes. “Would one of you please tell me what this is all about?”

  Alyssa shrugged and looked away. Her mother would be furious once she got to know her plans, and the last thing she wanted was to spoil one of the few times their family managed to be in the same place at the same time.

  “It’s nothing. Derek and I were just… talking.”

  “Yeah, about her plans for the new year,” Derek continued, staring straight into Alyssa’s eyes.

  “I guess by now you’ve heard what happened in court yesterday.” Her voice shook a little as she said the words that would start the war. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Derek take a step back, closer to the exit.

  Her mother’s posture stiffened and she nodded. “Yes, I’ve heard that. I was going to talk to you about it after lunch,” she said, coldly. Alyssa shrugged.

  “Why delay it? Since we’re all here, let’s get it over with.”

  Her mother scowled and Derek shook his head. “Lissy, are you sure you want to talk about it now?”

  Alyssa stared at her brother straight on, narrowing her eyes. “Why? Are you afraid you’ll get caught in the crossfire, Derek?”

  Her mother’s head whipped toward him and he shrugged nonchalantly, as if he didn’t know what she was talking about. He probably didn’t want their mother to know he was afraid World War Three would break out in their living room and he wanted to be nowhere near it. He gave Alyssa a defying stare.

  “So you want me to play the game, then? Fine, let’s play.” He crossed his arms over his chest and furrowed his eyebrows. “Mom, did you know Lissy’s leaving New York?”

  Although he was talking to their mother, his eyes never left Alyssa’s, not even when their mother let out a loud gasp.

  Alyssa’s blood drained from her face down to her toes, and she leaned against the small table behind her. The crystal drops of the lamp sitting on it rattled and she wished the lamp would just drop to the floor so it would create a diversion. She wasn’t as ready to spill the beans as she’d thought, after all.

  “What do you mean, she’s leaving New York? Why would she? And where would she be going?”

  It felt strange to hear her own mother talking about her as if Alyssa wasn’t even there. She hadn’t even looked at Alyssa while asking the questions, but had stared in disbelief at Derek instead.

  For a moment Alyssa wondered if she had died without realizing and she was now a ghost nobody could see.

  “She’s going to find her real self, somewhere in the middle of nowhere.” Derek shrugged and looked at Alyssa with a smirk, making the blood boil in her veins. He was twenty-two but he could still be the impertinent little tot he used to be when he was a child. She felt like slapping his face right there and then, no matter how old they were now.

  Their mother turned to look at Alyssa then, and her eyes were blazing. Alyssa couldn’t tell whether she was furious because Alyssa would be leaving the city or because she had made a decision without asking her first. Whatever the reason, Alyssa knew that this year they weren’t going to have a quiet Thanksgiving lunch around the dining table. She suddenly feared they weren’t going to have any Thanksgiving lunch at all, judging by the look in her mother’s eyes.

  “Where are you going?” her mother asked. Alyssa suddenly wished Sean was by her side to give her the courage she needed.

  Sean.

  His deep blue eyes flashed in front of Alyssa’s, and it was all she needed to remind herself why she was going against her mother’s will, and why she would have to stand up for what she really wanted. It was as if, even miles away from her, Sean had managed to give her the strength she needed to confront her mother.

  “Well, yes, I am leaving New York soon. I’m going back to college; I’m going to pursue the career I’ve always wanted to pursue. And I’m not gonna change my mind, so don’t even bother trying.”

  “You didn’t answer my question, Alyssa.”

  The doorbell rang just then, and Derek decided to take this opportunity to flee the battlefield.

  “I’ll get it,” he said, leaving the room in two big strides.

  “Well?” her mother asked as soon as Derek was gone. Impatience was giving her a nervous twitch in her eye.

  “Do we have to talk about this now, Mom? Can’t we just have a quiet lunch and leave this argument for another day?”

  Alyssa’s skin crawled at the sound of an unpleasantly familiar voice in the hall. No, this couldn’t be happening. Surely her mother wouldn’t do something so sneaky and…

  “Alyssa! It’s good to see you again; it’s been so long. Judge O’Riordan.” Julian strode into the room with confidence, as if he belonged there, and Alyssa wished she could smack that smug grin off his face. Her mother’s temper vanished in a puff and a coy smile curled her lips as she closed the distance between her and their new guest.

  “Julian, I told you to call me Jane when we’re not in court.”

  Julian took her hand and kissed it, giving her a dazzling smile. Her mother giggled—seriously, she giggled!—and Alyssa felt the urge to vomit on his shiny, black expensive shoes.

  “Thank you for inviting me to lunch, Jane,” he said, just before turning to flash his devious smile at Alyssa. “Alyssa, you look great, absolutely gorgeous.”

  I wish I could say the same, but you make me sick.

  He took a step toward her, and she took
one back. She didn’t want him within arm’s reach, thank you very much.

  “Yeah, well, thanks,” she said instead, narrowing her eyes and hoping it would be enough to discourage him from stepping any closer.

  “Derek, why don’t you show Julian to the dining room and offer him a drink? We’ll be right there,” her mother cut in, probably sensing Alyssa was just about to say something nasty.

  Wouldn’t it be lovely to just accuse him of being a stalker, right in front of her dear mother? She wondered what Judge Jane O’Riordan would say to that. Surely her mother would find a way to defend her beloved Julian, and would probably accuse Alyssa of overreacting or something.

  Julian followed Derek out of the room, not before giving Alyssa another creepy stare, which made the hair on the back of her neck stand up. She could almost still feel the awful taste of his lips on hers, and swallowed the bile that had crawled up the walls of her stomach at the memory.

  “What is he doing here?” Alyssa asked through gritted teeth as soon as she was alone with her mother again. Her mother gave her a triumphant smile.

  “I thought you might need a little help getting to know him better. You know, after he told me you weren’t answering his calls or accepting his gifts—”

  “You’ve been talking about me with him?” Alyssa’s blood boiled in her veins; she’d hoped Julian would’ve gotten the message after they way she’d behaved but she’d underestimated him. He was a real shark as an attorney—she should’ve known he’d be the same in real life, too.

  “You should give him a chance, Alyssa. He’s a great catch, and he really likes you.”

  “Too bad the feeling’s not mutual.” Alyssa turned her back to her mother, taking a step away from her. “And I would’ve appreciated it if you’d told me you’d invited him over for lunch so I could’ve stayed in bed.”