Hold on to Love Page 26

  Tammy sprang up from the couch. “Definitely hot chocolate, if you ask me.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure Alyssa has managed to discover your sweet tooth, after you slurped all that chocolate at the café today.”

  Tammy turned to her brother and stuck out her tongue. “Mind your mouth, brother, or I’ll go have a talk with Mommy when we get home.”

  Sean rolled his eyes and Alyssa laughed. She would miss all this once they were gone. The thought caused her a pang of sadness and she decided to push it to the back of her mind until they were actually gone. She was going to enjoy their company without any thoughts of the future; once she was alone, she’d make plans and find a way to be part of all this again.

  They spent Saturday touring other parts of the city. They took the ferry and went to visit the Statue of Liberty, and then caught a cab further north in Manhattan and visited some of the museums. The day passed too quickly and after a quiet dinner at the hotel restaurant, Alyssa knew she wouldn’t be able to spend her last night with Sean the way she was hoping to. As much as she wanted to have the hotel room all to themselves, she wasn’t going to ask Tammy to hang around in one of the hotel facilities so she and her brother could roll over in the sheets. It was Tammy’s birthday, and it just wouldn’t be fair on her.

  After they finished eating the birthday cake Alyssa had asked the hotel staff to make especially for Tammy, they spent some time in the hotel lounge sofas, chatting and having a cup of tea. Every minute that ticked away was a minute closer to Sean leaving, and her heart was slowly emptying like an hourglass with every passing second. By the time Sean and Tammy would be on the plane tomorrow, her heart would be nothing but an empty shell.

  It was close to midnight when they finally decided to call it a night. Tammy was just about to fall asleep on the plush, fabric couch and she squeezed Alyssa in a bear hug before taking the lift to their room. Sean said he’d wait for her taxi and while they were waiting outside on the street, he squeezed her in his arms.

  The feeling of dread returned in full force and Alyssa’s legs buckled a little.

  “I don’t want you to go.” Her voice trembled but she didn’t care. “I don’t want to be lonely and miserable again.”

  He bent down a little so that his mouth was on her ear. “You’ll never be alone, as long as I love you. I’ll leave my heart with you, Alyssa, and I’ll be with you, always.”

  He kissed her temple and she shuddered. She wished he would trace his lips all over her. It was the only way he’d be able to soothe the pain she was feeling at having to say goodbye again. She didn’t like goodbyes.

  “Give me a little time to work this through, Alyssa. It won’t be forever. There must be a way for us to be together, here or in Wind Creek, or even on another planet, I don’t care. I just… it takes time to turn a life upside-down, and it’s not so easy when you live in the countryside. Just trust that I’m not going to let go of you. If anything, this weekend proved that I simply can’t contemplate being away from you and that, even though I pretty much hate your world, I love you so much that I could force myself to like it, just for you.”

  Her heart fluttered and she looked over her shoulder at him. “Are you serious?” she asked, hopeful that this wasn’t just a way of patronizing her.

  He smiled. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too, Sean,” she said, as a tear rolled down her cheek.

  Her taxi arrived just then and the valet went to open the door for her. She smiled and thanked him; Sean stole one last kiss before he closed the door and, as the taxi drove away, she felt the hourglass running close to empty.

  Chapter 40

  November

  Sean closed the door of his bedroom and plopped face down onto his bed. It had been another tough day, but it wasn’t because he’d worked harder than usual. It was the way his father had looked at dinner, old and tired, that had Sean’s heart writhing with guilt. In spite of what his father kept saying, ever the stubborn countryman, Sean could see he was no longer the strong, unbreakable man he’d been all his life. He was getting old and the farm life he’d been living since he was a young kid was finally taking its toll on him.

  Sean had been so close to telling everyone his secret, plagued by the remorse of wanting another life for himself away from his family and close to Alyssa, but then he’d realized it would only be a cause of further grief and worry for his father. No; until he was sure he had a job somewhere near Alyssa he wasn’t going to drop the bomb on them. No reason to hurt his family if he wasn’t even sure there was a chance for him to actually make it away from Wind Creek.

  He pulled himself up and went to his desk, switched on his computer, and while he waited for it to boot, he imagined what it would be like if he found the e-mail he’d been waiting for, the e-mail saying he had an interview and a possible job waiting for him in New Jersey.

  Ever since he and Tammy had come back from their trip to New York two weeks before, he’d been researching farms, stables and any other agricultural-related business in rural New Jersey, hoping he’d manage to land a job there and he’d finally be only a few miles away from Alyssa. He was sure he’d never be able to live in New York, but New Jersey was a compromise he was willing to accept; besides, the commute from New Jersey to New York, even if only at the weekends, would be much easier and definitely more feasible than flying from Wyoming.

  Problem was, seeing his father like that tonight had unloaded a truckload of guilt on him, so even if he found a positive reply in his emails, Sean was pretty sure he wouldn’t be quite as happy as he’d imagined. He logged into his account and saw two emails. His heart thudded in his chest as he clicked on the first one with a trembling hand. This was the moment of truth, the moment that could change his life forever.

  Dear Mr. Maclaine,

  We received your application and résumé and we appreciate your interest in our company. However, we are sorry to inform you that we aren’t in the process of hiring additional staff for the time being. We will be pleased to keep your contact details in our database, should there be an opening in the future.

  We wish you success in your career.

  Sincerely,

  Paul Girardi

  Manager at The Rainbow Farmhouse

  Sean’s little bubble of hope burst in his face. This was the one he’d been hoping for the most; it was closer to New York than any of the other places he’d applied for, and it looked like one of the nicest too. It was bigger than the others and included so much more than a few cows and horses. Sean had actually imagined himself there, building a career as more than a simple farmer.

  Trying to be a little optimistic, he clicked on the other email and slammed his fist on the wooden desk when he read a reply very similar to the previous one.

  He’d applied to at least ten different places and these were the first two replies he’d received so far; maybe there was still hope some of the others would be happy to have him working for them. He had to think positive and never give up hope. He was doing it for Alyssa; he’d promised her he’d do anything for them to be together. He couldn’t give up after the first rejection.

  He closed his email account and checked the time; it was still too early for their usual night chat, so he decided to browse the Internet and see if he could find any information on Alyssa’s past. He was her boyfriend so it wasn’t as if he was stalking her or anything. He was simply curious to see what her life had been like before he’d met her.

  He Googled her name and, to his surprise, he was rewarded with several different results. Her name was linked to her legal office, obviously, but also to charity events and parties, next to chief of police William O’Riordan or Judge Jane O’Riordan.

  Curiosity got the best of him and he clicked on a link mentioning Alyssa’s father. The article was about an event organized by the NYPD, and when he scrolled down, he saw a picture of Alyssa, her arm linked through that of a middle-aged man, with graying hair and eyes as green as Alyssa’s. He was tall an
d dressed in a navy tailored suit, with pins on the lapel of his jacket.

  After a brief scan of her father, Sean’s eyes settled on Alyssa and he never wanted to look anywhere else. She was wearing a long, dark-blue dress, with a neckline showing just enough cleavage to be sexy and innocent at the same time, just like her personality. He was sure she had teased the eyes of all the men at that event without even realizing.

  He went back to the Google page and clicked on another few links, staring at her in different attires, always standing out with her sophisticated yet fresh beauty. His heart sank a little with every different image he saw; even though she kept saying she didn’t like her world, she had the kind of beauty and personality that fit in perfectly in the glittery New York high-end society. How could he even think she’d be happy to be the girlfriend of a farmer?

  He clicked on another link, a more recent one. The date stamp read November seventh, only a week ago. More pictures came up, images of strangers all dressed in tuxedos and sophisticated gowns; he cringed at the sight of the world Alyssa was part of and that he’d never in a million years want to get to know. He scrolled down, his eyes skittering over the pictures, barely registering the carefully styled hairdos and fake smiles, until a beautiful pair of green eyes made his middle finger freeze on the mouse wheel. There she was, as beautiful as ever, in a burgundy sheath dress and a matching satin shawl draped around her bare shoulders, her hair pulled up in a bun with only a few loose waves framing her face. She was holding a clutch in her right hand and a glass of some sparkling white wine in her other hand.

  He was so captivated by her beauty that he hadn’t noticed the man standing by her side wasn’t her father, like it had been in the previous picture. He was much younger, tall and clean-shaven; his dark hair was sleeked back and he was wearing what looked like a very expensive two-piece suit. His arm was around Alyssa’s waist although, much to Sean’s relief, she wasn’t leaning into him.

  He read the caption and his heart skipped a beat.

  Attorney Julian Davidson and attorney Alyssa O’Riordan, daughter of Chief of Police William O’Riordan, attended the event together. Are they more than just colleagues?

  So this was Julian? The slimy bastard who’d caused her so much trouble of mind she’d had to escape to Wyoming to get rid of him? And in spite of all that, she was standing right next to him, letting him snake his arm around her as if he had every right to?

  He looked back at Alyssa feeling hurt and betrayal creep up and twist around his heart. How could she? Then, as he stared at her, he finally noticed her smile wasn’t one of those genuine ones she’d given him after they stopped fighting; it looked tired and bored. Well, good—at least she didn’t look happy about being that close to the man.

  Even so, Sean couldn’t help thinking how good they looked together, how perfectly they fit the stereotype of the wealthy and successful couple.

  I’ll never look half as good next to her. I’ll never fit in her world. I don’t deserve her. She doesn’t belong in the country. She deserves better. She’s out of my league.

  The thoughts played on a loop in his mind, hammering like a woodpecker and planting seeds of doubt and defeat.

  Maybe his love wasn’t enough to make things between them work. Maybe the rejection emails he’d received were a way for the universe to tell him that they weren’t meant to be and he should give up already.

  He would never make her as happy as she deserved to be.

  Two weeks had passed since Sean and Tammy left New York, and Alyssa was just as miserable as she could be. Nothing was going right.

  She’d been assisting the senior attorney in a case she wouldn’t have taken on in the first place had she had the authority to decide, and she hated it.

  Julian had started calling and showing up at the most unexpected times, either outside her office or her apartment—and he was starting to give her the creeps. He thought his dazzling twenty-thousand dollar smile would make up for everything he lacked but Alyssa reckoned that despite being such a smart, successful lawyer, the man could be really thick.

  Her mother, to top it all off, hadn’t given up hope yet and was still pushing her to go out with Julian, inviting her to parties and public events that Julian happened to be attending, too. She’d managed to fool her once at a charity event most of the legal world in New York was attending a week ago. At first, Alyssa had seen nothing suspicious in it, since Julian ran in her same social circles so she’d known all along he’d be there. When he’d approached her with a goblet of sparkling white wine and a smile that made the hair on the back of her neck stand with fear, she’d decided this was as good a time as any to tell him all she thought of him. She knew he wouldn’t make a scene or try groping her in front of so many important people. This would be the perfect chance to finally get it all off her chest. She’d just managed to say “We need to talk,” when a photographer had cut in, asking them to pose for a picture. Julian had nodded, flashing his trademark smile, and had snaked his arm around Alyssa’s waist, making her stomach twist from his vice-like touch. The memory of Sean’s touch was all Alyssa could concentrate on to hold back the bile climbing up her throat.

  Alyssa’s mother had reached them then, taking away the one chance Alyssa had to set things straight. When her mother had turned to her, with an awed smile still plastered on her face as a result of something Julian had said, no doubt, Alyssa had wondered whether this would be the right moment to tell her about Sean. Maybe if she admitted she was in love with someone else, not only would Julian stop harassing her, but her mother would stop pushing her into his arms.

  She’d opened her mouth to say it, I’m in love with a cowboy, plain and simple, but as the words had floated through her mind she’d realized her mother would have a fit right there, in the middle of an important party attended by all her friends and colleagues. Was she ready to be the target of the one hundred or so pairs of eyes that would fix on her the moment her mother screamed and fainted? Because, melodramatic as it sounded, Alyssa knew that would’ve been the exact reaction her mother would have had, once she’d heard that her daughter was dating a farmer.

  Judge Tripp, a friend of her mother’s, had approached them just as Alyssa had shut her mouth and decided that this wasn’t the right time after all. She’d better make sure her mother was seated, and had smelling salts at hand before she spilled the beans.

  As soon as Julian and her mother had become engrossed in a conversation with Judge Tripp, Alyssa had sensed it would be the perfect moment to escape Julian’s grip. She’d looked around, spotted her father and walked quickly toward him.

  When a few days later Alyssa had seen Julian at a police department charity party where he had no business being, she’d understood immediately what her mother was up to. After that, she’d declined all of her mother’s invitations, hoping it’d be enough to discourage her from keeping trying.

  The only ray of light in her days was the nightly Skype chat with Sean. It was the only thing that gave her the strength to get up every day, even when she wanted to pull the duvet over her head and forget the rest of the world.

  Although talking to him through a computer screen wasn’t enough to mend the cracks in her heart, the ones that had split it open the moment she’d said goodbye to him at the airport, it was better than not seeing or talking to him at all; it would have to do until either of them came up with a solution.

  Restless and depressed after another awful Monday, Alyssa spent more than an hour playing Candy Crush on her computer while staring at the gray icon on Skype, hoping it would soon turn green and tell her Sean was ready for their chat.

  When it finally did, Alyssa’s heart skipped a beat, and as soon as his handsome face appeared on the screen the tension left her body. As usual, all of her worries and the events of the day disappeared into thin air when she saw his piercing blue eyes staring at her. Tonight, his usual five o’clock shadow was longer and unkempt, giving him an even rougher look which, she had to admi
t, had butterflies swarming in her belly.

  “Hi,” he said, his tone sounding a little off. Apprehension killed the butterflies as soon as they took flight when she noticed his eyes weren’t sparkling with love the way they always were whenever he’d looked at her. For the first time since they’d fallen in love, she saw pain in them.

  “Hi,” she said, warily. “You look… um… tired.”

  Sean hung his head and when he looked up at the webcam again, Alyssa saw his eyes were darker and even more pained than she’d first suspected.

  “It’s been a rough day,” he said, letting out a breath. “My father hasn’t been feeling well today, but when I suggested we hire someone to help he got all upset. He doesn’t want to admit he’s getting old and we need another pair of hands here.”

  His shoulders sagged and Alyssa’s heart broke a little.

  “I guess it’s just hard for him to admit he can’t do what he’s done all his life, know what I mean?” she said tentatively. “He’s just being a little stubborn, but maybe he’ll change his mind.”

  “I guess so.” Sean shrugged, then gave her a crooked smile. “He is stubborn, you definitely nailed it.”

  “Well, now I know who you take it from.” Alyssa laughed and saw him smiling a little wider. Maybe she was managing to lift his spirits a little. She didn’t like to see his face etched with so much sorrow. “Hey, what happened to your face? Where does that beard come from?” she asked in a perky tone, changing the subject in hopes of steering the conversation to a happier ground.

  Sean smiled feebly and scratched his chin. “I’ve just been lazy and didn’t feel like trimming it. Why? Don’t you like it?”

  Alyssa’s smile broadened when she heard his tone getting a little more animated, more like the Sean she knew. “I love it. It makes you look quite sexy and, well… very manly.”