Hold on to Love Page 12

  “When I was younger, it was even worse. When my mom and dad made it to have dinner with us, they would talk about work.

  “Ever since I’ve started having meals with you, well, I’ve started envying you and your sister for what you have. So, as you see, money doesn’t always mean happiness; this is what I wish you’d understand.”

  Her words hit him hard. He had never considered things from this perspective. He’d always thought that, since she’d grown up in a wealthy family in a cool city like New York, her life was perfect, just like Bethany’s. But she and Bethany were worlds apart, even though they both belonged to the upper class.

  Man, he felt like a real idiot now.

  “You’re right. And I’m truly sorry for the way I acted the first few days you were here,” Sean said, feeling stupid and ashamed of his behavior. “You had every right to think I was a pigheaded countryman. I never gave you any reason to think otherwise.”

  Alyssa laughed. “Wow. You’re admitting you were mistaken about me? That’s rather impressive.”

  “You’re not going to make this easy for me, are ya?”

  “It’s my chance to tease you without retaliation so, nope, I won’t let it slip.”

  Sean laughed and hung his head; no, she’d make him pay for his mistakes, but he deserved it all. He’d been a real jerk.

  “In my defense, though, I had a good reason for acting like I did. Guess I owe you an explanation, now.”

  “You don’t owe me anything, Sean. You already apologized; that’s enough.”

  Sean shook his head. It was high time he told her the truth—the real reason why he’d shut up and kept to himself, well away from her. He didn’t like talking about Bethany, but Alyssa had the right to know. He’d been nothing but mean to her even though she’d done nothing to deserve it.

  “I used to date a girl in college. I was in my junior year and my cousin took me to one of the frat parties—that’s where I met her. She’d come from Denver to visit with her cousin who happened to be in one of my same classes.”

  She was so quiet he thought she’d fallen asleep, so he rolled on his side and rested his head on his hand, propped up on his elbow. It was hard for him to talk about Bethany, especially to the girl who had opened that old wound again. When she met his eyes, he went on.

  “She was beautiful and sophisticated, with her smart clothes and expensive perfume. I was used to being around tomboys and country girls; she was nothing like the women I’d dated before. She charmed me with one stare and we spent the rest of the night talking. She went back to Denver the following day, but she kept coming back every weekend, since it’s only a little more than an hour’s drive. We got close and I’d thought we were doing great, but I guess I was too stupid to read the signs and realize we weren’t meant to be. We belonged to two different worlds.” He cleared his throat nervously. His pride still felt the sting. “Anyway, when the semester was over I asked her to go home with me, spend a few days at the ranch so she could meet my family. She was excited, up until the moment we got out of the car. When her Gucci stilettos sank in the mud, her mood sank with them. She said there was no way she was going to finance my decaying family business, and if that was the only reason I was dating her I could stop pretending to care about her. Needless to say, the weekend turned out to be a nightmare; she hated it here and I finally got to see her real self—the posh, spoiled, daddy’s girl who’d never be able to live in a town without a beauty salon and a mall.” He shrugged, hoping to shrug off the feeling of disillusionment and plain stupidity he’d felt back then. “We broke up the day I drove her back to Denver. If I’d known from the start who she really was I would’ve thought better than to date her. Rich girls and countrymen just don’t mix.”

  “So that’s why you hated me? Because you thought I was like her?”

  Sean’s face flushed with shame. “I didn’t hate you, I just… I didn’t want to be around you. I was afraid you’d turn out to be like Bethany and act like a spoiled city girl. Know what they say: once bitten, twice shy.”

  He sighed, and finally the load that had settled on his stomach ever since Alyssa had arrived at the ranch disappeared, as if opening up to her and admitting to being awful had worked miracles.

  “Then Tammy started hanging out with you, and I was scared you’d put silly ideas in her head. She’s at a critical age, and I was scared you’d be a bad influence.”

  “Why, thank you. It’s so good to know you had such a great opinion of me,” Alyssa said with a smirk. Sean chuckled—touché.

  “Yeah, I know. I was biased, and I’ve already said I’m sorry. Jeez, cut me some slack, woman.”

  Alyssa laughed, the sound causing something weird to stir inside his chest. He almost felt lightheaded. “I wanted to protect Tammy; I didn’t want her to turn into a younger version of Bethany.”

  “Or of me,” Alyssa teased, and he chuckled.

  “I wouldn’t mind if she turned into a younger version of you, City Girl. You’re smart, independent and not in the least posh. In a way, Tammy is already like you: she’s stubborn, for one thing, and a real pain most of the time.”

  “So much for being nice to me. How long did it last: three minutes? That must be a record.”

  He laughed. “We’re getting better, though, aren’t we? We’re gonna be best buddies by the time you go home.”

  “Yeah, right. I’d really like to see that happening. It will be in history books.”

  They both laughed at the thought of it, and Sean wondered why he’d wasted so much time staying away from her when she was so much fun to be around.

  He really was a pigheaded cowboy.

  Chapter 19

  Minutes ticked by while they stared in silence at the stars dotting the dark sky like millions of tiny beads. As the words Sean had spoken slowly sunk in everything started to make sense, and Alyssa wished he’d opened up long before tonight. If only he’d been able to admit the real reasons behind his behavior, she would’ve made him see she was nothing like his ex, and things would’ve been so much easier between them.

  Tonight, though, he’d trusted her enough to open his heart to her, and she wondered whether she would be able to do the same. She was tired of carrying the burden and tonight felt like the right time to let it all out. Venting with a stranger who didn’t know her past and whom she wouldn’t be seeing again once the vacation was over would make it easier to talk about it all.

  “When I was a child my dream was to be a vet; that’s all I ever wanted to be,” she said, finally breaking the silence. She sighed as all the memories of her childhood crept back inside her mind.

  “And how on earth did you end up becoming a lawyer?” His tone was amused and not at all surprised by the sudden confession. Alyssa looked up at the stars, her hands interlocked behind her head, and took her time to find the right words. But as soon as she opened her mouth, they came tumbling out without too much thinking.

  “My brother and I used to spend our summer vacations in Ireland, where my grandparents on my father’s side had moved. I loved it there, and my grandmother was great. She was so different from my mom; she’d let me do anything that made me happy without bothering too much about etiquette or good manners. If my mother had ever known what I did when I was with my grandmother, she’d probably have had a heart attack. But like my grandmother used to tell us: What happens in Ireland stays in Ireland.” She smiled, thinking back to all the nice days she had spent there, and how good being free had felt.

  “Anyway, one day I found this bird in the grass; it had fallen off its nest, so I took it to my grandma. We kept it in a cardboard box for a few days and cured it, feeding it worms and insects. It was our little secret; we didn’t even tell my brother about it, as we were scared he would tell my mother. I was ten at the time and my brother was six; I had learned that you could never count on Derek to keep a secret. Then one day he saw me down on all fours in the grass, picking up worms, so we had to tell him. But luckily he never told
my mom.”

  “No way!”

  She laughed at the way Sean’s eyes had almost popped out of their sockets, and nodded.

  “I was never really scared of worms or insects. I never even killed spiders. Gran used to tell me it was just who I was, that being a vet was my mission. I remember crying when the bird finally recovered and flew away, but I was happy I had saved its life. And when it came back the following day and then every other day after that, I was overwhelmed. It was the closest thing I ever had to a pet; my mother had never let me have one.”

  There were a couple of minutes of silence, as she tried to fight back the tears the memories had caused. “So, that’s how I decided I wanted to be a vet. And it’s approximately as long as it lasted, because my mother wouldn’t even hear of it. Being a vet wasn’t an option she had planned for her children; we had to carry on the family tradition of studying law.”

  “Wow, that sucks,” Sean said, shaking his head.

  “At the time it did, yes. But it turned out that trying to fight her was useless; I needed them to pay for college and, unless I decided to move to the other side of the country and start a new life without ever coming back, there was no way I could do what I wanted. There was no more talking about it, and in the end I had to give up on my dream and follow my mother’s path.”

  Tears filled her eyes, and she was grateful for the darkness. She had repressed all of the memories to the back of her mind; she had never thought about it again, not until Lucky was born and she’d understood her grandmother had always been right. She should have followed her dreams, she should have fought harder, and she should have made her mother understand that she didn’t want to be a younger version of her, that she had her own personality, her own tastes, her own dreams, and she wanted to be who she really was. But it was too late now; she had a promising career as an attorney ahead of her, and she had to keep following the path her mother had prepared. She had come to the conclusion that dreams were useless and they only broke people’s hearts.

  “But you’re not a child anymore; you should stand up for what you believe in, if that’s what you want.”

  “You make it sound so easy, but you don’t know my mother. You have no idea what my life’s been like. There’s no choosing another way. You either do what she says or you’re out of her circle of friends. She’s not mean; it’s just the way she’s been raised. I bet her life hasn’t been easy either.”

  “Then leave. If you’re not happy doing what you’re doing now, why don’t you just leave everything and go back to college? I suppose you have some savings? I bet New York lawyers make an awful lot of money.”

  She sighed; he obviously would never be able to understand. He had grown up in a normal family with both his parents working in their family business and leaving their children free to become whatever they dreamed of becoming.

  “It’s too late now. I’m too old to believe in dreams anymore.”

  “It’s never too late, Alyssa. You should just follow your heart; let it take the lead. Life is short, too short to waste it being unhappy.”

  Hearing her name coming out of his mouth felt weird; he had always called her Miss O’Riordan or City Girl, but she reckoned that had to be the first time he had ever called her by her name.

  “I haven’t thought about it anymore, to be honest. I had sort of removed all those memories from my mind—at least, I’d thought I had. Until I helped you with Rosie and it all came back. But I’ve resigned myself by now; maybe things will be better in my next life.”

  She tried to sound like she was joking to ease the tension and fight back the tears, but he didn’t laugh, and she wondered how she was ever going to get herself out of this situation now.

  “I think you’re wasting your life, acting like you do. You’re smart and rich. You could be anything you wanted to be.”

  She swallowed the lump in her throat and wished they had never started talking about it at all. Although it had felt great to let it all out, she hadn’t thought he would actually listen to her, let alone take it to heart like that.

  “What about you?” she asked then, deftly steering the conversation away from her life before she would start crying and make a fool of herself. “Have you always wanted to work in your family business?”

  He fell silent for a minute and she thought she might have gone too personal; he didn’t look like the type who would go around spilling his guts to strangers and, although they had become closer in the last few days, she was still barely more than a stranger to him.

  “I’ve never really told anyone about it,” he suddenly said, and she took it he didn’t want to talk about it, which was understandable, after all. “But since it’s Confessions Night, I might as well make an exception.”

  He turned to look at her and she saw he was grinning; he looked so different from the guy who had screamed at her in the woods the first time she had gone horse-riding, or who had treated her like a stupid city girl the day Rosie had the calf.

  “Should I feel honored or just worried?”

  He laughed and she had to admit she loved the sound of his laughter. It hadn’t happened often in the past couple of weeks, but when it had, it had always made her feel good.

  “I don’t know, I guess I’m just in the mood for spilling. It must have been the beer.” He turned and winked at her. “Or seeing you dance like a real cowgirl.”

  This time it was she who laughed. “Come on, then, spill it; what did you want to be? A spaceman, a fireman, or maybe a superhero?”

  “Yeah, a spaceman would have been cool. But no, it was something quite normal.” His tone sounded a little sad, as if it pained him to talk about it. “I simply wanted to breed horses. I’ve always loved horses; I’ve been riding since I was three, and when I was in high school I had planned to buy stables and start my own business once I was done with college. I wanted to add a riding school for kids with disabilities, too. I knew it would be tough at first, but I was hoping it would eventually work out. It’s not as if I meant to become a millionaire—paying the bills would’ve been enough, as long as I could be around horses.”

  “That sounds awesome,” she said. She had always loved horses too. “What went wrong, then?”

  She thought she heard him sigh, and she guessed it must have been hard for him, too, like it had been for her; giving up on a childhood dream was never easy.

  “Well, one night just before my senior year in high school was over I heard my parents talk about what would happen to the ranch and the business once all of us kids would be gone. Andy had made it clear he would become an accountant and work in an office, Nick was still young but he had always said he wanted to be a teacher, and Tammy? Well, she was still a child, but nobody really expected her to take over the business even when she’d be older.”

  “So that left you.”

  “Yeah, that left me. And when I heard them talking about finding someone they could sell the ranch to and the disappointment and distress in their voices, well, I just couldn’t bear it. My parents have struggled all of their lives to make the business thrive just to give us a decent life; I couldn’t let them throw everything away like that just because we were all too selfish.”

  “But that was their dream, not yours,” Alyssa objected, knowing how it felt.

  “Dreams are just dreams; reality is another thing altogether. I couldn’t picture my parents living in a house somewhere in town, away from all this and knowing I could have changed it. It’s the only life they’ve ever known, and I owed them that much. I wanted them to be happy.”

  “Couldn’t you start a horse breeding business here, anyway? I mean, you could help your family and have your own business at the same time, couldn’t you?”

  He turned to look at her, and his eyes traveled over her face for a moment, causing something to tighten in her chest.

  “I don’t know; I guess I would need to enlarge the stables, and we would need to hire someone to help us out. I mean, we can barely keep up
now, and I know my father won’t be able to go on working for long, although he says he’s still as strong as ever. He’s turning sixty in a month and he’s been working ever since he was seventeen; it’s high time he retired and enjoyed life a bit. So, no, I guess it would be too complicated now.”

  “You’ve been really brave, giving up on your dream just to help your family.” Tears prickled her eyes and she wondered why it hurt so bad. At the end of the day, she barely even knew him.

  “Isn’t that what you did? You gave up on your dream, too.”

  She shrugged, picking up a straw of hay and fidgeting with it. “I did it because there was no other choice, but it didn’t help my family. Well, apart from my mother’s ego, of course.”

  “There’s always a choice; but sometimes we have to choose what’s good for the people we love rather than for us. So, in your case, you did it because you didn’t want to lose your family.”

  “Are you getting philosophical on me? You’re scaring me now.”

  He laughed, and for the umpteenth time that day she wished the night would never end and they could go on talking until the break of dawn. It had been ages since she’d felt so at ease chatting with a guy. She enjoyed his company.

  “I’m not as dumb as I look,” he said, seriously. “Sometimes I can say smart things, too.”

  “Yeah, when you stop being biased against rich people.”

  He chuckled. “Fair enough. I deserve it.”

  Right then the weirdest idea hit the back of her mind, as if it had fallen down from the sky like a shooting star.

  “Do you think I could sleep here tonight?” she asked out of the blue. He turned on his side, propped on his elbow again, and stared wide-eyed at her.

  “Are you serious?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “It’s going to be chilly. You might catch a cold or something.”